Well- hard to believe it has been a whole year since Kaci was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. I remember the day in segments....I remember...
She had been losing wieght, drinking lots of water (and I mean LOTS), using the bathroom 3 and 4 times a night and even sleep walking. I made her an appointment with our pediatrician at 8 a.m on July 28th. She was not allowed to eat or drink until after the test. I promised her that we would go to Chic Fil A and then swimming at Amber's pool when it was over.- Too bad that didn't happen. After her blood sugar test came back at 240- they told me to go home and pack a suitcase and head straight to Dell's Children, they would be expecting us.
Here is the part I don't remember...I don't remember calling Clint- and I don't remember packing...in fact, I don't know if we even went home or if we just met Clint at the hospital and my parents brought us a bag later. I know that PaPa was watching Bailey at the house- and I remember that we meet Clint at the hospital- I remember the man who put her hospital bracelet on telling her he was sorry she was feeling so bad. I remember her looking at him like he was crazy- she was feeling fine and didn't really understand why we had to be there.
I remember them taking blood and making her breath in some medicine to help calm her down. I remember her crying and screaming that it burned her nose and that she wanted to go home. I remember feeling hopeless and scared. I remember being angry and nauseous. I remember that I wanted to cry and scream and that I wanted to go home. I remember laying in that little hospital bed all night with her- dreading everytime they came in during the night to poke her little finger.
I remember it like a foggy dream...I can close my eyes and see flashes and scenes as if it was a movie and not something I was really a part of. I remember friends and family being there. I remember watching Kaci sing at the juke box with her friend, Grayson- while the IV stand stood between the two of them. I remember watching her paint with her friends Romy and Reese. I remember walking around the hospital with her to see all the art and kid friendly exhibits. I remember watching Hannah Montana and Suite Life of Zach and Cody.
I remember she cried everytime we picked up the phone to order food- because she knew it meant a shot had to follow. I remember one night she ordered nachos and I watched her cry until her face and bangs were hanging in her cheese when the Dr. told her that she could go home that night but she would have to have 2 shots before they would release her. I remember the Dr. saying she couldn't go home until she said she was ready and I remember trying to get Kaci to pick her head up to say she was. Then I remember the Dr. coming in just minutes later while we were celebrating the good news to inform us that Kaci still had ketones and would not be able to go home that night. I remember asking her to step in the hall so that we could speak alone- and I remember chewing her ass out for making this HUGE mistake.
I remember counting carbs, learning how to give a shot and feeling like I couldn't breath the whole time we were there.
I remember leaving the hospital and losing the balloon her best friend had given her to the 50 foot ceiling in the foyer. I watched her cry and felt hopeless....
I remember holding her hand all the way home while I drove and she sat next to me. I don't remember why Clint wasn't with us. Maybe he was at work...or with Bailey...I really don't recall. I remember we sang, "I Run To You" by Lady Antebellum at the top of our lungs and cried all the way home!
I remember I felt mad, exhausted, scared, guilty and totally out of control. I remember I felt this way for days, weeks, months. There are many days I still feel one or all of these emotions. I promised Kaci and I promised myself that we would not let Diabetes ruin us....we would not let it control us. I work hard everyday to keep this promise. There are many days I fail....but I always try.....always!
She had been losing wieght, drinking lots of water (and I mean LOTS), using the bathroom 3 and 4 times a night and even sleep walking. I made her an appointment with our pediatrician at 8 a.m on July 28th. She was not allowed to eat or drink until after the test. I promised her that we would go to Chic Fil A and then swimming at Amber's pool when it was over.- Too bad that didn't happen. After her blood sugar test came back at 240- they told me to go home and pack a suitcase and head straight to Dell's Children, they would be expecting us.
Here is the part I don't remember...I don't remember calling Clint- and I don't remember packing...in fact, I don't know if we even went home or if we just met Clint at the hospital and my parents brought us a bag later. I know that PaPa was watching Bailey at the house- and I remember that we meet Clint at the hospital- I remember the man who put her hospital bracelet on telling her he was sorry she was feeling so bad. I remember her looking at him like he was crazy- she was feeling fine and didn't really understand why we had to be there.
I remember them taking blood and making her breath in some medicine to help calm her down. I remember her crying and screaming that it burned her nose and that she wanted to go home. I remember feeling hopeless and scared. I remember being angry and nauseous. I remember that I wanted to cry and scream and that I wanted to go home. I remember laying in that little hospital bed all night with her- dreading everytime they came in during the night to poke her little finger.
I remember it like a foggy dream...I can close my eyes and see flashes and scenes as if it was a movie and not something I was really a part of. I remember friends and family being there. I remember watching Kaci sing at the juke box with her friend, Grayson- while the IV stand stood between the two of them. I remember watching her paint with her friends Romy and Reese. I remember walking around the hospital with her to see all the art and kid friendly exhibits. I remember watching Hannah Montana and Suite Life of Zach and Cody.
I remember she cried everytime we picked up the phone to order food- because she knew it meant a shot had to follow. I remember one night she ordered nachos and I watched her cry until her face and bangs were hanging in her cheese when the Dr. told her that she could go home that night but she would have to have 2 shots before they would release her. I remember the Dr. saying she couldn't go home until she said she was ready and I remember trying to get Kaci to pick her head up to say she was. Then I remember the Dr. coming in just minutes later while we were celebrating the good news to inform us that Kaci still had ketones and would not be able to go home that night. I remember asking her to step in the hall so that we could speak alone- and I remember chewing her ass out for making this HUGE mistake.
I remember counting carbs, learning how to give a shot and feeling like I couldn't breath the whole time we were there.
I remember leaving the hospital and losing the balloon her best friend had given her to the 50 foot ceiling in the foyer. I watched her cry and felt hopeless....
I remember holding her hand all the way home while I drove and she sat next to me. I don't remember why Clint wasn't with us. Maybe he was at work...or with Bailey...I really don't recall. I remember we sang, "I Run To You" by Lady Antebellum at the top of our lungs and cried all the way home!
I remember I felt mad, exhausted, scared, guilty and totally out of control. I remember I felt this way for days, weeks, months. There are many days I still feel one or all of these emotions. I promised Kaci and I promised myself that we would not let Diabetes ruin us....we would not let it control us. I work hard everyday to keep this promise. There are many days I fail....but I always try.....always!
2 comments:
Thank goodness,,,,God has blessed you with knowledge, skill and this little girl...you have so much to be thankful for this year and every year to come.
Feelings and more feelings - getting them out is good for the soul. You and Kaci have made good on the promise to each other, diabetes will not own you, it will not prevent you from having a full and eventful life.
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